Porn, My Husband and I
by ipoked-KiraandEdward-andlived
Summary: Being married to a famous Porn star is every woman's fantasy and a reality for Bella Cullen. Jet setting across the word for different shoots has become a daily routine for the couple. But when a child Edward didn't know he'd fathered is sent to live with them things have to change. AH Possible smut
1. Opening

**As all my other stories are dark and serious at the moment I thought some comic relief might be in order! **

**Disclaimer – I don't own Twilight**

I didn't know what to be more embarrassed about; the fact my dad was asking if I was ok with my husband's career choice or that he and my mom had found out when trying to spice up their sex life. Ew no, my parents do NOT have sex. Mom was sitting opposite me quiet but with amusement shining in her eyes. She's always been adventurous whereas dad…well we don't call him Charles The Traditional for nothing.  
"Oh Charlie calm down." She sighed exasperated "Bella's a big girl. If shes happy that's all that matters." In response dad stormed out of the living room muttering something about needing a beer "Bella sweetheart why didn't you mention this before." I only had to roll my eyes towards the kitchen for her to understand "It was bad enough when he found out how old Edward is." Charlie had practically gone to shoot him when he'd found out about the ten year age gap; something along the lines of cradle robbing.  
"It doesn't matter as long as you're happy." She repeated. I am happy and who wouldn't be having your own personal porn star between the bed sheets? There was nothing on his resume that I couldn't vouch for "Was he in the business when you were dating?" She whispered but when Charles The Traditional came out, so did his super hearing. This was going to be fun.  
"Yeah, I interviewed him for an article." I worked as a personal interviewer for a woman's magazine, of which I'm now editor, the big story that week had been on porn vs reality. Boy had it a reality for me.  
"And you still went out with him?" She, like my friends, sounded shocked. And here I thought that was supposed to be every nerd's fantasy.  
"He was nice." I shrugged "And didn't try to get into my pants." In fact he didn't get into them until our wedding night. I was born and raised a good Christian girl, I made it quite clear to him from the beginning but he didn't mind. I guess his career came in good for some things.  
Mom nodded her head still in shock "Do his parent's know?"  
"Yeah, they're just happy he's got a job." I lied on the last part. I don't think she's quite open minded enough to know that porn is a Cullen family business. It took me a while to accept that.  
"Fair enough." She said turning on the television. I blew out a sigh of relief glad the Q and A session had ended, although neither of my parents would look at my husband the same way again. Thankfully Charlie stayed in the kitchen to sulk but I knew he was polishing his gun. Edward was not stepping foot in this house today.


	2. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight**

**Dedications: Armywife1979, Twilightvixxen and EdwardBellaRenesmeeCullen (for being honest)**

**Chapter One**

I slid into the passenger seat before Edward could even get out of his car. He stared at me cutely confused as I blew a sigh of relief; thankfully out of my parent's house. Edward opened his mouth to question me but I spoke before him, anxiously checking the side mirror for my father. I could see Charlie glaring through the den window his hand twitching near his gun holster. Although he's only drawn it a few times the gesture was something Charlie did often.  
"Just get us home as soon as possible."  
"Good afternoon to you too love." Edward chuckled but did as I said.

"So why did my Jag turn into a getaway car?" I dropped an armful of boxes addressed to my husband on the kitchen counter and began shifting through them. This has almost become a daily routine for me, not that I mind. Companies are always sending him free clothing to food hoping it'll be used in one of his films. That's if it gets past our bedroom first.  
"Charlie and Mom know." I groaned finding an industrial sized bottle of chocolate sauce in the first box.  
"Know what?" His brow furrowed before realisation dawned. Most men would be embarrassed but not Edward, no he grinned like a cat getting the cream "Oh they know about my job. Did you finally tell them?"  
I felt the blush explode onto my body and my voice turn squeaky "Nope they found out by themselves." The next package was my weekly Graze box. I opened it quickly needing something to fidget with "Having one of their moments together." Trying to find something else to concentrate on I grabbed the first snack and devoured it.  
"Your parents watch porn together?" Suddenly it he thought it was the funniest thing in the world and had to grab the counter for support. I didn't even dignify it with an answer, instead pulled out the accompanying booklet to see my choices. After a few moments he calmed down and pecked me lightly on the lips "Does he want to kill me?"  
"Torture you is probably a better word." My throat was suddenly itchy so I coughed as I spoke.  
"You'd better not show him next week's schedule then." Edward's smirk died and was replaced with a frown "Your bottom lip is swollen."  
"It is?" If Mom has taught me one useful thing it's to keep a compact mirror with you at all times. For Christmas she bought me a pack so I could have one in every handbag. The poke-a-dot one that lives in this bag reflected Edward's worry; my lip had grown a head and my throat turned lobster. In a blink he was scanning the ingredient page.  
"The brownie's got almonds flakes in it." My eyes widened but quick and calm as ever he dialled the Paramedics. Today is just not my day.

Going into shock is a funny thing really. It temporarily turns you into a mental patient and I my case makes everything hilarious. That includes waving down your own ambulance by flailing your arms like a puppet with strings tangled. Edward was not and still is not pleased about that. Looking at his pissed of face made me giggle again causing the nebulizer steam to gush out from the mask like a boiled kettle.  
"Bella." Edward warned but I laughed harder.  
"This is normal during a Anaphylactic shock Mr Cullen." Dr Mogoul assured him scribbling in my notes "One patient was practically bouncing from the wall to wall." He replaced the chart and stood by me to check my vitals. I stopped laughing long enough to smile at him but the mask covered it "You are very lucky that your husband called the Paramedics quickly Mrs Cullen."  
"Her allergy hasn't been this bad before." Edward said kissing the back of my hand. With all my nerve endings on edge I squirmed at the tickling sensation it caused.  
"Our bodies tend to change every seven years. Sometimes allergies disappear but more than not they worsen which has happened in your wife's case." The doctor turned to me "You won't be needing to stay overnight but you will have to come back in for a test this week just in case there are more. Taking this attack into account we're moving you up on the scale to six which means high alert. This qualifies you for an Epi Pen."  
"A what?" I asked pulling the mask off both my giggles and the serum had run out.  
"It's basically a shot of adrenalin that can be administered through the thigh by yourself or your husband if you have another reaction. You would still need to go to a hospital as soon as possible but it helps to fight and slow down the symptoms until then. I'll get started on the discharge papers." Dr Mogoul turned off the nebulizer and binned the face mask.  
"Will it fit in my handbag?"  
He nodded "Yes. Epi Pens are usually the size of a pencil just wider. I will prescribe a couple so you can keep on in the car and house too."  
"Thank you doctor." Edward said looking back at me "The swellings gone down." I touched my lip tentatively and found he was right, I just hoped my neck was back to normal too "I'm just going to call my boss and rearrange the shoot." He stood to kiss my forehead. I made to protest but dad beat me to it.  
"I should think so." Charlie growled one hand on his holster, eye trained on my husband.  
"Oh Bella!" Mom squealed rushing in after him clutching a can of coke. She cracked it open before thrusting it at my lips "Drink this it will help with the shock." I took a big gulp not realising how thirsty I was until then; nebulizers tend to suck all moister from your mouth. My eyes, stayed glued to the Edward and my dad. Suddenly it felt like we were all in the middle of a Western movie where the good guy had just run out of bullets.  
"Chief Swann." Edward acknowledged dropping back into the chair as dad towered over him. Charles The Traditional had bred with Charles The Angry. Worst of all I'm sure Edward starred a movie like this.  
"I'm telling you now son we're going to have words when she's better. Go make that call." He stepped back letting Edward escape. It was the first time in our marriage that he'd actually looked scared of my Father.

None of us spoke while Mom and Edward helped me dress, Charlie stood with his back to us until I was ready to go. Dr Mogoul discharged me with a prescription for an Epi Pen and to rest until Monday when I had come back on for tests. When trying to walk to the car failed so Charlie practically carried me, even buckling me in like I was four again. Mom and Edward's mouths nearly hit the floor watching him; he never was one to show emotion or to be touchy feely but I knew he was just trying to show Edward up. Men.  
"If I come round and you're lifting a finger there is going to be trouble." He warned shutting my door. I waved bye to Mom as she practically shoved him into their squad car; they were definitely going argue at home. It made me glad I wasn't going back with them I've worn out too many earplugs over the years.  
"I hope you didn't cancel that shoot I could do with a holiday." It was being shot in one of the Greek islands called Cyprus. From the pictures it looked beautiful with sandy beaches, blue seas and cocktails; straight up my alley right now.  
He pulled out of the car park and headed through town to Casa Del Cullen; the villa style house my in laws had custom built a few years ago. As much as Carlisle and Esme would worry about me til they saw I was ok, Edward was going straight there to avoid my angry parents who lived next door to us.  
"I couldn't if I wanted. I signed and mailed the contracts a few weeks ago."  
"Thank goodness." I grinned laying my head against the window as the town flew by "You'll have to pack my suitcase for me.


End file.
